jail

KN, p. 306 “Secrets of a Crime Writer”

 

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My little sister, Bridget, and I chat every few days. We trade stories and joke as we catch up on the stuff of life. She calls to pester me about coming to visit her in North Texas. I call her to make sure she’s staying out of trouble with the Sheriff and avoiding speeding tickets on 287 South.

This time she had me choking with laughter. She has been keeping a list of handy bits of information she swears that she picks up from Kerrian’s Notebook. This is what she shared tonight. Bridget’s guidelines are based on a few articles on the site, and I’ve included some links in bold so you can see what she read.

  • Hand guns are not a good choice for self-defense in the middle of the night if the gun is on a closet shelf in a locked box. I keep an axe next to the bed, so I will use my champion axe throwing skills to take out the bad guy.
  • Bodies in the basement tend to stink up the place. Good thing I don’t have a cellar. Not even a crawl space – in case some nefarious person is looking for a place to hide a body.
  • My phone is not safe from cloning or hacking in these days of cyber attacks, so I shouldn’t use it to pay for anything. That’s okay, since cash is accepted in most places, and I save a bunch on credit card fees.
  • I need to practice at the firing range so that I don’t shoot my foot.
  • Always remember to check the inside of a second-hand refrigerator I might buy, in case the seller stuffs a body inside it while I’m getting the truck ready.
  • Don’t look inside dumpsters at the mall. Ewwww.
  • Don’t travel by air during pollen season. The plane might not make it.
  • Don’t spend the night in jail. There are small spaces and other drawbacks.
  • Avoid having cups of tea in the houses of little old ladies.
  • Attend a writers’ conference. All that talk about murder and mayhem might be fun.


There ya have it. Handy tips from Bridget. Gotta love that sister of mine. Sheila and I just might be taking that road trip soon.

 

 

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KN, p. 51 “How big is that jail cell?”

 

Thinking of committing a crime?

Then let me show you where you’ll be living soon.

A life of crime is highly overrated by TV and the movies. Crooks do business in back alleys, abandoned buildings and isolated roads. Drugs are stored or processed in grungy apartments or warehouses. These days, there is no honor among thieves and some other gang is always trying to move in on your territory. You will be shot at, stabbed, or beaten if you don’t meet your boss’ quota or you happen to decide that he’s not giving you a big enough cut for taking all the risks. Your life is not your own, once you make a deal with scum.

 

And, if you think you can score big with a heist and live the life of luxury in a mansion somewhere…think again. If the cops don’t catch you right away, don’t worry…we will soon enough.

 

And, then your living arrangements will take a nosedive.

 

Let’s talk about privacy while you wait for trial behind bars. There is no privacy. None. And, the toilet is conveniently located right there with you in the see-through cell.

 

Then there’s the limited movement issue. Folks, look at the space. Some of the prisoners get to stay behind the bars for 23 hours a day, including meals. One hour in 24 outside the bars. Just sixty minutes, people.

 

Do you want the bedroom to be quiet and darkened at night, so that you can snooze? Not gonna happen. Ever. Plus, you might have to sleep on the floor if the jail is extra crowded that week. The big guy gets the cot.

 

I bet you like the smell of gun oil or aftershave or a steak cooking on the grill. Well, get used to the stink of open toilets, puke, and old sweat instead.

 

Think I’m exaggerating? Try a couple of nights in county and report back. If you’re smart, you’ll think again and settle for a job flipping burgers rather than selling drugs on the corner or becoming a convenience store robber. At least you get to go home at night.

 

 

*Photograph by Patti Phillips

 

 

 

 

 

 

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